The Diary of an Impulsive Gambler: Losing Everything. Part 2.
Hi, my name is Conrad and I’m telling you my story about compulsive gambling and how it led to multiple problems in my life and significantly affected my relatives. I was asked to make go through my diary. However, it is not a diary but a notebook where I kept all my notes about my debts and deposits. I was always a man of rules and schedules, but something changed during the spring of 2015. Something clicked and I started to think less objectively about my life goals and I nearly ruined my marriage.
Every entry is just a small list of deposits and debts that I had at the time. Some had additional notes underneath, some didn’t. The real size of the notebook was big. I actually used up a whole thick notebook that I ironically got as a gift from my spouse years prior and thought that I would never use it. Without further ado, here is the continuation of my diary. April of 2015 was the first month when I started using multiple accounts on several websites. All brand names are concealed.
April 17, 2015.
- Deposit1 at [brand1] – $278
- Deposit2 at [brand2] – $329
- Debt – $1380
I took another small debt but this time from my co-worker. I did not want any further questions about what was happening in my life from my parents and I was absolutely terrified to tell my wife where I was spending money. My family believed that there were some issues related to my work and did not ask too many awkward things. However, I could not take more money from my family budget. My initial deposit in my favorite website was shrinking, but I believed that I simply have a streak of bad luck.
I’ve read a post somewhere that splitting your money across multiple platforms could be beneficial and that different slots games “act” differently depending on the amount of money you spend over time. This led me to create a new account in another company that advertised slots mentioned in the article that inspired me. I was about $150 short and decided to borrow from my co-worker.
June 22, 2015.
- Deposit1 at [brand1] – $470
- Deposit2 at [brand2] – $156
- Deposit3 at [brand3] – $700
- Debt – $1650
Living with debt became a norm for me at the time and I remember thinking that all those financial difficulties are temporary and I can easily overcome them with a single stroke of luck. The problem was that that single stroke had never happened and I kept piling up debts, one after another. On the bright side, I had only a small addition to the overall debt. I was juggling between friends and family trying to sort out my finances without causing any distress, but my wife became suspicious.
She was working mostly night shifts at the time and this allowed me to hide my habits. On weekends, I would stay away from the laptop. I managed to make some money in my first online casino. Despite having nearly 2 grand worth of debts, I was quite happy with my overall results. I also came across a new cool online casino with fancy graphics and decided to try out a technique for roulette that everyone was talking about. You know it, called the Martingale strategy.
July 18, 2015.
- Deposit1 at [brand1] – $775
- Deposit2 at [brand2] – $17
- Deposit3 at [brand3] – $164
- Debt – $2100
It was crazy how quickly I wasted over $600 playing American roulette. The system did not work and I lost a ton of credits before it was too late. I was devastated and started losing in slots as well. I was reading more and more about various methods of money management and appropriate gambling tactics, but it was a bit too late now. I was sinking money faster than I though and needed additional funds to just keep rolling. After blowing a couple hundreds more with my uncontrolled emotional gambles, I made another payment.
My wife was really concerned with the “problems” that I had at work. I did not bring home any extra cash and actually was still owing some to my parents. My spouse confronted me about it and suggested that I either talk to my boss or quit and search for something better. This was due to me lying about staying more hours at work to hide the fact that I was spending evenings playing games instead of going out to pick her up when she was going home or just doing my choirs. I started feeling really miserable, but I felt that my lucky moment just around the corner.
September 7, 2015.
- Deposit1 at [brand1] – $1500
- Deposit2 at [brand2] – $377
- Debt – $4300
For two months I was trying various techniques and systems but nothing worked and I kept losing money. Instead of just managing my funds correctly and playing for fun, I started going All-In for no reason, started making more “max bet” plays, and was carried away by my losses. In three separate online casinos I lost over $5000. However, I decided to make a VIP-account for the first time and made a $1500 deposit. I decided that this was my last chance.
I was constantly fighting with my wife and many co-workers started avoiding me because I turned into that junkie who constantly asked for several bucks till the end of the month. The pile of debts grew to an enormous amount of money. I did not know what I was doing. I owed 2 grands to my parents and 23 hundred to my co-worker. This was a week before I got into a car crash.
September 17, 2015.
- Deposit1 at [brand1] – $173
- Deposit2 at [brand2] – $22
- Debt – $4300
I blame the car crash on my gambling addiction as well. I was stressed and really angry after losing all my money in a series of really irresponsible gambles. I also wasted my deposit on another website. You know that when you have that rush, you just start not caring about those 3 or 4 hundred anymore. They seem so small compared to what you’ve lost before. I needed to vent and I jumped into my car. I did not notice the lights and was hit in the left side by a truck. The car was completely devastated. I had a couple of bruises and a bunch of broken ribs as well as some fractures in legs. Nothing life-ending, but definitely not a joke.
While I was in the hospital, my friend called to parents and asked about me. He also told about my debt. I was in trouble. The conversation with my parents and wife was really hard and long. We are not the richest of families and $4300 is a big sum. My wife was disappointed mostly because of my lies. My parents were more than sad. However, the contemplation about two years that I spent slowly developing an addition was really an eye-opener for me.
July 2, 2016.
- Debt — $0
It took me half of a year to get rid of $2300 worth of debt. My wife was pregnant at the time and we had to tighten the budget, but my parents forgave me my debts and even helped a little to sort out all my financial issues with co-workers. The lesson was really tough, but I managed to get rid of my addiction.
The main takeaway is not to start raising pitchforks at the gambling industry. I was really irresponsible and made debts when I could just enjoy my time at online casinos and try out different games. Instead, I nearly ruined my life. Don’t be me. Good luck from Conrad!