The Diary of an Impulsive Gambler: Losing Everything. Part 1.
Hello, guys! I’m Conrad and I’m going to share some parts of my life here. Right now I’m recovering from my gambling addiction. I’m blessed to have a loving wife and parents that were ready to forgive everything that I’ve done to my family. I needed help and I didn’t know about that until it was too late. On a bright side, I have a plenty of things to talk about now.
The real problem of my life was impulsive gambling and a really hard addiction that turned my existence into a series of wins and losses. I stopped being a good husband and lost my way in the world. Mostly due to the fact that online casinos became so wildly popular and accessible. I had never been exposed to things like that before I clicked an advertisement on the internet for the first time. From that moment everything went downhill. I did not have a real “diary”, but I always kept track of my results and wrote down lessons that I needed to learn from that day. The ultimate lesson is that I needed to be more careful and mindful, but I didn’t get that one.
I chose a couple of entries from my diary. They are short and contain only the balance of the account(s) and some minor details, but I will also explain what happened that day to give you all a bigger perspective.
July 7, 2014
Deposit — $200. Bonus — $400.
First time in an online casino. Need to use bonuses.
This was my first entry related to actual gambling. I initially “invested” 200 bucks. Wasn’t a big deal for me. I’m not the richest guy on Earth but I could and thankfully still can support me and my wife easily. While I don’t usually find $200 laying on the ground, I can spare such a sum to just entertain myself. I was really hooked by that 200% bonus that looked so juicy. Like many other people I didn’t think about making a small initial deposit about $50 or so bucks. I thought that if you start, you should start with something more or less significant. Long story short, I earned some, I lost some, but eventually ended up with $70 bucks left, so I decided to ask them back and after waiting for over 2 weeks started raging on the internet.
August 2, 2014
Got robbed of $70. Gonna give them hell!
I’m usually not a man of many words and don’t really consider myself good at penmanship. I was really frustrated about my lost $70 and I really wanted to find more information about how I could punish the company. However, I started reading more about the whole deal with online gambling instead and learned that there are dozens of really bad companies out there, scammers and frauds. This made me think that I was tricked and needed to try once again. This is why I had yet another short entry.
August 8, 2014
Deposit — $300. Bonus – $150.
[brand name of the casino] is a good place judging by reviews, gonna try it out.
This was my second deposit within two months and spending $500 for nothing felt quite uncomfortable, but I was determined that I could win more and get my money back from a more reliable website. I did some research found that site that many people were happy about and jumped in.
I love slot games. They are flashy and you don’t really feel like you are losing even when you are. Sadly, I didn’t notice this until I developed an addiction. Even when you bet $5 and win a measly $1 prize, the game makes it feel like something grandiose happened with all those animations and celebratory sounds. Another thing is that sometimes you hit a winning streak and you experience that kick of happiness for the first time. With my initial $300 I quickly climbed to nearly $800 within three days. Instead of just taking back my prize, I continued betting more like so many other people do.
Needless to say that I ended up with another bitter finale and had about $80 left on my account. I withdrew them successfully and thought that I don’t want to play anymore ever. Little did I know.
September 22, 2014
Deposit — $120. Bonus — $120.
I didn’t write anything else but I remember that I had some spare money on my PayPal account after making a purchase online. I decided to give gambling another go and went for the same casino once again. This time I decided to just MaxBet a couple of times and forget about my money. Just for fun. Well, I won a spectacular amount of money. A couple of consecutive successful spins and I had over $2000 on my account.
I withdrew my winnings and went to celebrate with my wife. I never had any secrets from her and she was quite happy that I won so much money. We had a dinner, we spend a good evening together, and I thought that I don’t need to push my luck further. On the very next day I deposited about $200 back.
December 18, 2014
Deposit — $380. Bonuses — $0. Debt — $500.
I again did not write anything. This was the first time in my life when I was in debt. Like in actual debt. It was a relatively small sum of money, but I was just not used to ask for money. I borrowed $500 from my parents. Christmas was coming and I had nearly all my money spent on a short vacation and I dumped about $800 on gambling that month.
This was also the first time of me lying to my wife on a serious matter. I was not a beer with my friends at a bar. It was about my $800 spent on a game. I did not think that I was developing an addiction. $800 looked like nothing when I remembered about a couple of my previous wins that brought me a couple of thousands. I thought that I would be back on top of my game in no time. So I lied to my spouse and I lied to my parents about overspending during the vacation and not getting a bonus at work. And… I kept playing.
March 6, 2015
Deposit — $476. Bonuses — $89. Debt — $1250.
Need to play in well-paying slots like those with the whole field active.
My debt grew a new thousand that month. I worked twice as hard to get my bonuses, keep my life going, and avoid questions from parents and wife. I owed money only to my family so far. I was reading a lot about various techniques and tricks that could help in online casinos. I was counting hours at work but did not want to return back to my loving wife. I dreamed about going to my laptop and continue playing. I usually played 20-30 minutes when I got home. Then, an hour or so when my wife was bathing. I would always wait for my beloved SO to fall asleep before playing more. In the morning, I would say that I had a lot of work to do.
I really felt uncomfortable, but I did not have that realization of how miserable I was… I learned more about those games with 256 lines and how they seemed to be a much better choice for me.
However, this is a story for another time. Stay with me for the second chapter of my story!